So I publicly announced my blog last night. It was an exhilarating and scary moment for me. Months, no maybe years had been building up to this point and finally I was offering my gift to the masses like never before. Offering this gift to God for his use has left me feeling vulnerable but this work that he’s been doing in me this year of securing me in his hiding place, his refuge and declaring that my identity as a daughter of God can not be altered from the outside gave me the courage to step out.
My hesitation came from so many places. First, I was afraid to fail. What if I published and no one read it? Well initially I thought that meant I didn’t have anything worthy to say. My identity tells me though that that is false. God has gifted me these words and the ability to string them together. I am a communicator of God’s word, that’s what he’s created me to do and I offer it back to him to bring a smile to his face.
Next fear, what if I get it wrong? What if I publish something and it’s completely off base and not what God was really trying to say? And then worse off, what if that leads other people astray? What if it makes people mad at me? Again, a dose of truth to combat these lies. Truth, you live in a fallen world, you’re going to mess up. The perfectionist in me hates the thought of this but my identity says that God isn’t mad at me for my mistakes. He loves me no matter what and his love isn’t going to shift. God’s hand guides others to him, not me and so my words that I offer must be put in the perspective of his providence and control to go and reach his people, his kingdom how he directs. It’s ok to get it wrong, you will, get over it and give yourself the freedom to fail.
But what if I don’t fail? That was my next fear. What if I’m successful at this thing? Friends who can dream bigger than my limitations telling me that people all over the world would be reading my words and I would be sought out to speak and teach and write on these big stages left me like a deer in headlights. The size of the crowd didn’t scare me so much as the potential size of my ego and pride. Would other people’s accolades become the fuel that fed my worth and not the accolades of my Savior? This one is a real fear, the one that was at the underbelly of them all. Left unchecked it could tear me down.
Truth, my worth comes from God alone. He is the creator and I am not. My place is in the created order to bear his image, to cultivate and steward his creation. No matter what others tell me it does not alter how he sees me, who he says I am. A dose of humility to remember that I am dust and if it wasn’t for his deep love, I would be left a sinner, forever cut off from my true self and my true home. Stay hidden in him.
So after I hit that share button on Facebook last night my adrenaline started pumping. What would people think, how would it be received, what should I write about next? All these thoughts racing through my head. I woke up early the next morning anxious to see what the comments would be. I clicked on the stats and saw 83 views! 83?! From all over the world?! (Hi New Zeland!) I needed to figure out what to do next.
And then it hit me, the humility. I’m the same person I was last night when I went to bed as I was this morning finding all this out. I still had the same messy bathroom and dirty dishes and stray kid’s socks strewn about my living room. My same crazy, wonderful life. I still had the same gifts and imperfections and love to offer the world. God still saw me the same, but I think he ‘s feeling glorified a little bit more because I chose to hide myself in him, jump off the cliff with eyes wide open, into his arms and offer this gift back to him. And he delights in that and he delights in me. He’s smiling right now.